My Work is Play

I loved the way the boys I  was a nanny to could not define me.

When asked if I was their teacher, they’d look as though I’d asked them if grass was purple. One of them was in a Montessori school part time by then, he had a ‘Teacher’. Although the term is loose in that environment, that was not Leah.

When we asked them if I was their friend, still they’d say no. They were each other’s friends, their age, their size, they’re similar likes and hobbies. That was not Leah by their understanding of the word.

What is Leah then?  “Leah”, they‘d respond, and they were right. I was just myself, talking to them like I was a peer but also helping them get their snack and taking them out to do fun things. They were my friends and I cared for them the way I cared for any of my other friends. With love, trust, respect and generosity.

Leah was lost somewhere when Mommy arrived. A slight identity crisis that happens to a lot of mom’s whether it’s their first child or not. Leah dove right into the love and adoration that sometimes comes with motherhood  but she took everything too seriously, read too many books on parenting, all the maintenance of day to day living overcame my love for play and reading and stroller free walks.

In trying to get Leah back, I thought I had to become more selfish, find ’me’ time, find time away from the kids or do things I want to do and the kids can come along. That was backwards or at least unbalanced.

Before I went back to work when O was 11 months, I was jealous that someone else got to spend the precious early years with him, like I got to with the boys, and now I feel like I’m taking this time on mat leave for granted. It recently became clear to me that what I want to do is play with kids and learn with them while exposing them to new ideas and new places.  Spending this quality time with them IS ‘me’ time.

I was still able to keep a clean and organised workplace and meet up with friends at the park on occasion, but the kids were obviously my #1 job. Engaging them in building or stick hunting or bussing to the library was my job and I couldn’t dream of doing anything else.

Owen’s now learned that Mommy’s name is Leah, and I honestly love it when he calls me that sometimes. It brings me back to me and I look at him as one of my little friends and it sparks a light in my eye shifting my perspective and reminding me to play. Show him what a good friend Leah can be.

I took a small course once with the Manitoba Child Care Association called The Virtues Project, where they associate all behaviour with a virtue and by positively reminding the child/person to possess that virtue you can bring out their best.. When I saw Detachment as virtue I was confused at the time but now I understand. By detaching yourself from a situation emotionally you can look at things more objectively and the answers are clear.

I’m going to try, going forward to detach myself from Mommy sometimes and just be me. I have a feeling the stress of the moment will fall away, teachable moments will arise and Leah can get back to Play.