After eight years of working with children, and 10 months in college I JUST learned the most practical, life saving information I've ever encountered. Better than Super Nanny, better than Ferber, this information came from STEP (Systematic Teaching for Effective Parenting) My instructors at Red River swear by this program for their own parenting, their degrees in Child Development didn't prepare them the way this program did, so now it's part of our curriculum.
I learned all this in a 3 hour Guiding level 3 class
Friday morning.
That night my four and half year old son seemed to jump out of my text
book and showed me an example of each of those behaviors I laughed inside and
made it a game. Its sometimes very amusing to practice something from class
hours later in my house. It was more fun when it was Piaget’s pre-operational
tests or watching my toddler show me what scale of error was but this misbehaviour event was an interesting practice session.
Setting the stage: My Darling Son (DS), was asked to come
to the table for dinner. From the couch he said, “I don’t like it.”
“You don’t know
what it is.” I replied. “Come and see.”
He walked over sluggishly and half sat on
his chair. He looked at his plate and whined, “I don’t want thiiiis…” and he
slid himself onto the floor.
I was feeling frustrated, I put it together with my notes: he wants power. Do not engage in a struggle, it said. I continued to eat my dinner and make conversation with my two year old daughter (DD) about how yummy dinner is.
DS sits back on his chair and whined, “I want chocolate miiiiilk.”
“You can have some when you eat half of your dinner.”
“Nooooo, want it nooow.” He protests.
“You can have
some, when you eat half of your dinner.” I remind him.
He pushes all his food
to one side of his plate.
I say. “That’s still not half. You haven’t eaten
anything yet. Chocolate milk will make your tummy full and then you’ll have no
room for healthy food.”
He slides back down to the floor and cries. Then he
crawls over to my side of the table and paws at my leg, whining for chocolate
milk.
I was then feeling annoyed. I ignored him. I ate my delicious dinner
and made more conversation with my DD. He whines louder and rolls on the floor. I
ignore him. He stands up, stops whining and puts his chin on the table beside
my plate.
“How come you’re not looking at me!?” he asks.
It’s working I tell myself with pride. “I don’t want to talk to you
when you’re whining and I’m waiting for you to sit in your chair and eat.”
DS, walks to the fridge, I follow him. He puts his hand
on the handle, I push my hand on the door. “Just give me chocolate milk!” He
shouts at me.
I calmly remind him again, “You know the rule. I said you can
have it when you eat half of your food. I will not change my mind.”
DS hits me. DS shouts, “Well I guess I don’t love you
anymore!”
Wow,
he’s really going to display all of four behaviours isn’t he? Okay, game on. I got this.
I am legitimately angry and hurt but following the strategies to the best of my ability, I firmly but gently hold his arms and say. “You are hurting me.
That’s not allowed. If you are going to try and hurt my body or my feelings you
need to be alone. Go to your room.” “Nooooo!” he screams and swipes at me
again.
I escort him up the stairs to his room and sit in his doorway.
He’s in tears. “I want my dinner!” he tells me.
I remind
him that he chose not to eat, but he can have his dinner if he wants it. I also
remind him that he said he didn’t love me and he hurt me, his face drops and he
looks shocked.
He jumps on my lap and throws his arms around me. “It was a lie!”
he confesses.
“That lie hurt my feelings, please don’t say that to me again.”
“I’m
sorry mom.” “I love you son.” Picture perfect. Right?
We went back downstairs. He sat at the table. “I can’t do
it mom! Feed me with my fork!”
WHAT!? I shout in my head. I thought we were over this battle! But he somehow knew
there was one more misbehaviour he needed to test me on.
I simply said, “No, if
you’re hungry you can feed yourself. I’ve seen you do it, I know you know how.
I cannot do that for you.”
He said he wasn’t hungry. He did not eat dinner, he did
not have chocolate milk. The battle was over. I didn't engage in a power struggle, I didn't give him negative attention, I didn't hurt him, I didn't give up on him. STEP for the win! I only wish I had videoed the whole thing and handed it in for extra credit!
An hour later he ate an apple. He ate his leftovers
for lunch today.
After months and months of power struggles and tantrums from both of us, it felt like such a monumental win. I feel so thrilled that I
have these tips to navigate me through this misbehaviour, in theory it will diminish
the challenges almost completely. I’ve got my tip sheet on my fridge to keep me
grounded and focused. Wish me patience and endurance.
I wish you the same.
