Four Main Goals of Misbehaviour- My notes from class

Four Main Goals of Misbehaviour

Attention            Power

Revenge              Display of Inadequacy

Our reaction is critical during these misbehaviours. With some self-awareness and self-control we can defuse these common challenges.

If you’re feeling Bothered or Annoyed, their goal is Attention

What to do?

• ·         Don’t give attention on demand
• ·         Ignore them when possible
• ·         Give attention for positive behaviour as soon as they display it

If you’re feeling Angry or Threatened, Frustrated their goal is Power

What to do?

• ·         Refuse to fight or give in
• ·         Withdraw from the power contest- walk away if possible
• ·         Use choices
• ·         Let natural consequences occur for child

If you’re feeling Angry or Extremely Hurt they want Revenge

What to do?

• ·         Refuse to show them they’ve hurt you emotionally.
• ·         Label your feelings and theirs
• ·         Do not hurt them back
• ·         Work on building trust during times of peace

If you’re feeling Hopeless or like giving up they are Displaying Inadequacy (I can’t!)

What to do?

• ·         Do not pity
• ·         Stop all criticizing
• ·         Acknowledge all efforts no matter how small
• ·         Don’t give up on them
• ·         Give lots of encouragement, focus on their strengths

Attention Scenario

Child whining or bouncing around, you’re feeling annoyed.

Ignore them, keep busy, distract yourself.

Child might up the ante to achieve their goal for attention

You keep avoiding giving them your full attention (ensuring they’re not doing anything dangerous)

They will eventually calm down because they get no reaction. Right at that moment you look at them and ask if they need something. Maybe it’s a hug.

Power Scenario:

Child does not want to put on jacket to go outside. You explain why they need a jacket.

Let them choose which jacket they want to wear.

If they choose no jacket, bring it along but let them be cold outside until they choose to wear the coat.

Revenge Scenario:

Child wants treat before dinner. You say no.

They say, “I hate you!” or something else intentionally hurtful. Or they hit/kick etc.

Tell them calmly, “You seem angry that you can’t have dessert. I feel sad like that you said you hated me. I need to be away from you if you’re going to try to hurt me. That’s not safe.” 

Walk away, let them calm down. Discuss appropriate behaviour later.

Display of Inadequacy Scenario:

You ask child to get dressed. Child says “I can’t! You do it!”

Tell them, “I know you can, I’ve seen you do it before, you can do it!”

This may go on for a while, but they will start trying, even if its while huffing and rolling their eyes, acknowledge their efforts.

 “See you’re working hard! You can do it, keep trying!”

Children might try all 4 goals in one sitting. Keep your strategies on hand, go over them often until they become second nature. The misbehaviour might get worse at first, they are testing you, keep it up! It will be smoother in the long run!

*Notes based on the teachings from STEP - Systematic Training for Effective Parenting