Practicum at Home

After eight years of working with children, and 10 months in college I JUST learned the most practical, life saving information I've ever encountered. Better than Super Nanny, better than Ferber, this information came from STEP (Systematic Teaching for Effective Parenting) My instructors at Red River swear by this program for their own parenting, their degrees in Child Development didn't prepare them the way this program did, so now it's part of our curriculum. 

I learned all this in a 3 hour Guiding level 3 class Friday morning. 

That night my four and half year old son seemed to jump out of my text book and showed me an example of each of those behaviors  I laughed inside and made it a game. Its sometimes very amusing to practice something from class hours later in my house. It was more fun when it was Piaget’s pre-operational tests or watching my toddler show me what scale of error was but this misbehaviour event was an interesting practice session.

Setting the stage: My Darling Son (DS), was asked to come to the table for dinner. From the couch he said, “I don’t like it.” 

“You don’t know what it is.” I replied. “Come and see.” 

He walked over sluggishly and half sat on his chair. He looked at his plate and whined, “I don’t want thiiiis…” and he slid himself onto the floor.

I was feeling frustrated, I put it together with my notes: he wants power. Do not engage in a struggle, it said. I continued to eat my dinner and make conversation with my two year old daughter (DD) about how yummy dinner is.

DS sits back on his chair and whined, “I want chocolate miiiiilk.” 

“You can have some when you eat half of your dinner.” 

“Nooooo,  want it nooow.” He protests. 

“You can have some, when you eat half of your dinner.” I remind him. 

He pushes all his food to one side of his plate. 

I say. “That’s still not half. You haven’t eaten anything yet. Chocolate milk will make your tummy full and then you’ll have no room for healthy food.”

He slides back down to the floor and cries. Then he crawls over to my side of the table and paws at my leg, whining for chocolate milk.

I was then feeling annoyed. I ignored him. I ate my delicious dinner and made more conversation with my DD. He whines louder and rolls on the floor. I ignore him. He stands up, stops whining and puts his chin on the table beside my plate.

“How come you’re not looking at me!?” he asks. 

It’s working I tell myself with pride. “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re whining and I’m waiting for you to sit in your chair and eat.”

DS, walks to the fridge, I follow him. He puts his hand on the handle, I push my hand on the door. “Just give me chocolate milk!” He shouts at me. 

I calmly remind him again, “You know the rule. I said you can have it when you eat half of your food. I will not change my mind.”

DS hits me. DS shouts, “Well I guess I don’t love you anymore!”

Wow, he’s really going to display all of four behaviours isn’t he? Okay, game on. I got this.

I am legitimately angry and hurt but following the strategies to the best of my ability, I firmly but gently hold his arms and say. “You are hurting me. That’s not allowed. If you are going to try and hurt my body or my feelings you need to be alone. Go to your room.” “Nooooo!” he screams and swipes at me again. 

I escort him up the stairs to his room and sit in his doorway.

He’s in tears. “I want my dinner!” he tells me. 

I remind him that he chose not to eat, but he can have his dinner if he wants it. I also remind him that he said he didn’t love me and he hurt me, his face drops and he looks shocked. 

He jumps on my lap and throws his arms around me. “It was a lie!” he confesses. 

“That lie hurt my feelings, please don’t say that to me again.”

“I’m sorry mom.” “I love you son.” Picture perfect. Right?

We went back downstairs. He sat at the table. “I can’t do it mom! Feed me with my fork!”

WHAT!? I shout in my head.  I thought we were over this battle! But he somehow knew there was one more misbehaviour he needed to test me on. 

I simply said, “No, if you’re hungry you can feed yourself. I’ve seen you do it, I know you know how. I cannot do that for you.”

He said he wasn’t hungry. He did not eat dinner, he did not have chocolate milk. The battle was over. I didn't engage in a power struggle, I didn't give him negative attention, I didn't hurt him, I didn't give up on him. STEP for the win! I only wish I had videoed the whole thing and handed it in for extra credit!

An hour later he ate an apple. He ate his leftovers for lunch today. 

After months and months of power struggles and tantrums from both of us, it felt like such a monumental win. I feel so thrilled that I have these tips to navigate me through this misbehaviour, in theory it will diminish the challenges almost completely. I’ve got my tip sheet on my fridge to keep me grounded and focused. Wish me patience and endurance.

I wish you the same. 

Four Main Goals of Misbehaviour- My notes from class

Four Main Goals of Misbehaviour

Attention            Power

Revenge              Display of Inadequacy

Our reaction is critical during these misbehaviours. With some self-awareness and self-control we can defuse these common challenges.

If you’re feeling Bothered or Annoyed, their goal is Attention

What to do?

• ·         Don’t give attention on demand
• ·         Ignore them when possible
• ·         Give attention for positive behaviour as soon as they display it

If you’re feeling Angry or Threatened, Frustrated their goal is Power

What to do?

• ·         Refuse to fight or give in
• ·         Withdraw from the power contest- walk away if possible
• ·         Use choices
• ·         Let natural consequences occur for child

If you’re feeling Angry or Extremely Hurt they want Revenge

What to do?

• ·         Refuse to show them they’ve hurt you emotionally.
• ·         Label your feelings and theirs
• ·         Do not hurt them back
• ·         Work on building trust during times of peace

If you’re feeling Hopeless or like giving up they are Displaying Inadequacy (I can’t!)

What to do?

• ·         Do not pity
• ·         Stop all criticizing
• ·         Acknowledge all efforts no matter how small
• ·         Don’t give up on them
• ·         Give lots of encouragement, focus on their strengths

Attention Scenario

Child whining or bouncing around, you’re feeling annoyed.

Ignore them, keep busy, distract yourself.

Child might up the ante to achieve their goal for attention

You keep avoiding giving them your full attention (ensuring they’re not doing anything dangerous)

They will eventually calm down because they get no reaction. Right at that moment you look at them and ask if they need something. Maybe it’s a hug.

Power Scenario:

Child does not want to put on jacket to go outside. You explain why they need a jacket.

Let them choose which jacket they want to wear.

If they choose no jacket, bring it along but let them be cold outside until they choose to wear the coat.

Revenge Scenario:

Child wants treat before dinner. You say no.

They say, “I hate you!” or something else intentionally hurtful. Or they hit/kick etc.

Tell them calmly, “You seem angry that you can’t have dessert. I feel sad like that you said you hated me. I need to be away from you if you’re going to try to hurt me. That’s not safe.” 

Walk away, let them calm down. Discuss appropriate behaviour later.

Display of Inadequacy Scenario:

You ask child to get dressed. Child says “I can’t! You do it!”

Tell them, “I know you can, I’ve seen you do it before, you can do it!”

This may go on for a while, but they will start trying, even if its while huffing and rolling their eyes, acknowledge their efforts.

 “See you’re working hard! You can do it, keep trying!”

Children might try all 4 goals in one sitting. Keep your strategies on hand, go over them often until they become second nature. The misbehaviour might get worse at first, they are testing you, keep it up! It will be smoother in the long run!

*Notes based on the teachings from STEP - Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

Play is Play

Last fall, to my heartbreak, my son picked up on role-playing superheroes, guns and bad guys, with zero at-home exposure. Almost everything he'd construct in play would be a 'shooter' and was more often than not looking for a bad guy or acting like one himself. It was devastated  It was only a year ago where everything he touched was either a hockey stick or a puck, I thought his innocence was gone.

 After months of talking to family and friends about how to curb Owen's gun/bad guy play with no practical answers, I was at a loss for what to do. Even after years of being a nanny to three boys, I never really knew the recommended strategy for specifically deterring gun-play. 

So, I did all I really knew how to do. I was consistent with my zero tolerance policy, laid down uncompromising rules but it was not working, and only added fuel to this aggressive play and my approach to the issue only caused further conflict between us. All I could picture in my mind was my happy, adorable, hug-able boy who I imagined would turn quickly into being one of those unruly kids who bullies his mom into buying him a real toy gun and shooting' at strangers in Walmart.

So I went to the person I trusted fully with all things, but especially with child care questions. My cousin, a respected ECE III, who is on her way to a Child Development Degree. Surely she would know how to eliminate this behaviour! She would know what the official stance was on such play! To my surprise she said I should do nothing. "Play is play" she told me, "Play should not be interrupted or stifled and imagination is always okay."

Then I was sad. I didn't think I was overreacting, it has got to be inappropriate for kids to point guns at things and make those terrible noises! BUT, with trust and respect in my loving family, I went along with her advice and took it a step further. I played too. I got on his level to see his view and followed his lead in play. If he pointed a block at me and made a shooting noise I pretended it was a hose and that he was a firefighter helping to put me out! If he said I was a bad guy, I'd make a knarley face and growl- and we'd burst into belly laughs. If he'd say his cars had guns I'd ask what they were for and he'd say for making big noises, so I'd make weird noises too. It was innocent after all. His play interests have moved on and lego is now used for steam boats or or building letters and my happy lovey boy is at one of his highest points in creativity.

The conflict between became less, our fun has been more and I don't feel like I've compromised my values. He was 3 1/2 then and in the next few years I'll continue to teach him how guns are really used for hunting and eventually inform him about how people get really hurt by guns, as well as the difference between pretend and reality.

We live in a Canadian city, we don't own guns or know anyone that does, so a little pretend time won't actually hurt anyone. If those details were different so would be my response.

Being in college for my ECE diploma myself I'm so happy to have this experience first hand. I hope it serves me well in centres going forward as well as helping other parents who encounter such awkward phases such as these.